The past few weeks have been quite the whirlwind. It felt like the last month was so much excitement and energy ramping up to New York Climate Week. And then actually being at climate week was a whirlwind within itself. Zipping to meetings, events, lunches, and dinners. Being inside the big buildings in New York felt like a mix of being in Gringotts Wizard Bank from Harry Potter and inside of the spaceship from Star Wars. Sidenote, New York is only using revolving doors now to save energy… portals… I’ve always wanted to experience a work conference like that. Next time, I’ll schedule in more down time for reflection and processing.
The transition from the remote Panamanian wilderness to the concrete jungle of New York was shocking and exhilarating. I got a bit emotional when I saw a Trader Joes. Leaving New York, didn’t feel quite right.
I used to not understand how people fell in love with New York. But, then I accidentally fell in love with New York.
It was after having a handful of experiences in New York: the relief of being on the last train home, the comfort of a long walk at night, listening to music and dancing in central park, getting lost with a stranger, strolling on a sunny day, and all the little moments of life. I was reading a book called “This is New York” and the way they described it was that if by some great event the city were destroyed, it would be like death.
As I’ve settled back into Panama, and started to gear up for the next few legs of the adventure (Argentina adventure incoming), I have been noticing several things come up. For one, I’ve been disconnected from my practices and as a result, have been feeling more anxiety. Not to fear, for we have been here! I have my tools, and I remember that it’s all a part of the journey, and I am a person who has a tendency to operate in extremes. These are the tools I am practicing to stay grounded and connected to myself as life allows me to have my head in the clouds. I am practicing keeping my feet on the ground.
Balance as a practice, not a destination
Sometimes I get sooooo focused on something. I can be a very task oriented girly. It’s one of my superpowers really. But, when left unchecked, it can throw things out of balance. With this new job, I have been really seeing the parts of me that want to do a good job and be a good girl come front and center stage, standing there waiting for an applause or a gold star, and deciding that I need to work harder if neither appears.
Balance is remembering that my good job and good girl validation is most sustainably sourced from within, and that knowing can allow pillow like clouds to make gentle and sturdy boundaries around time spent focusing and working, and time spent experiencing life and being connected with myself.
So, I’m recommitting to my daily practices. Right now, those look like a morning pages brain dump, a guided meditation, and some gentle movement practice.
Aligning actions with absolute worthiness
Sometimes I feel stuck and one tool that is helping me with stuckness lately is asking myself: What actions are in line with absolute worthiness? What would I do here if I were 100% worthy of all my truest desires?
Sometimes the answer is not so clear, but often it is an action that brings me outside of a comfort zone and into a growth edge. If I have the feeling of “I can’t do that” I really want to investigate where that belief is coming from. If it is coming from fear, that tells me that stepping through that fear is a necessary step towards embodying worthiness.
Noticing the patterns of my nervous system
I have been noticing some patterns of my nervous system. Sometimes I will ruminate on a stressor and find myself in looping thoughts about it. Obviously that’s not helpful or pleasant. This sensation is called flight or flight. It’s an active nervous system response, that for me, feels like electricity in my spine mobilizing me for action. The feeling is like when you have to run away because you are being chased by a tiger… except there is no tiger.
Obviously there isn’t a situation in life where I will experience no stress. I have experimented with this, haha *cue 2 years in Santa Cruz mostly chilling and teaching yoga and playing in the ocean*. So, in my experience it is about finding ways to evolve the relationship I have with that stress.
When I give myself time to experience the sensation associated with fight or flight, in other words, when I give myself a second to chill out from being overstimulated, then I notice that I shift into a freeze and fawn. Kind of ironic haha.
So, I need to calm myself down, but then I need to reintroduce some stimuli like light stretching or shaking to get to a fully regulated state.
I thought that I would be able to go from overstimulated to regulated, but no, turns out I require the scenic route— up, down, then back to center. The more ya know!
I use a guided meditation app called “To Be Magnetic” that has specific meditations for fight & flight and freeze & fawn. Super helpful, because when I’m not regulated, it’s really supportive to be able to listen to something and not put too much pressure on myself to manually force shift myself out of whichever state I am visiting.
Prioritizing self care
This one seeeeeemss simple, but when life get’s busy, this is the first place that suffers.
I am still working my way through the Artists Way, a 12 week spiritual path to higher creativity.
The two practices I use from the Artists Way are morning pages and the artist date. Morning pages, mentioned above, are a brain dump first thing in the morning to flush any thoughts or feelings that are looping and clear the way for intuitive messages to flow.
Artists dates can be tricky for me. You are meant to schedule a few hours every week to be with your inner child, play, etc. I have been noticing that growing up and seeing my mom prioritize chores, work, everything and anything before herself has made a hugely ingrained impact on me. When I lived in Santa Cruz, I would need to deep clean the whole house before I was able to truly relax. I have to actively decide to make myself a priority and treat myself like a precious object.
My inner Artist likes to be treated. She wants to be taken to nice places, on trips, to spas and retreat centers. She likes luxury and being treated como una princessa.
This is all to say that I fall off of my practices sometimes. The journey is that dance of becoming a beginner again, recommitting again, seeing how we can reintroduce self care and play and balance as a game, not as a goal.
This thing we are doing— life— it’s a giant experiment, and there’s no way to do it right or wrong. Right and wrong are just judgements, and the more we can peel away judgements and invite compassion into our inner worlds, the more we can show up in a big way and ripple out streams of light that take weight off of our shoulders and weight off of those around us.
So, in these changing seasons, I hope that you feel like you have some tools to keep you grounded, because you are worthy of prioritizing self care, and this is all just a part of the dance.
Here is an excerpt of my & Julia Cameron’s Artist Prayer:
I allow the waves to guide my body.
Help me offer forgiveness to myself and others.
Help me remember to prioritize exercise and play, as more important than work or chores.
Help me remember the power of treating myself like a precious object.
Help me to love when my instinct is to punish.
Help me believe it is not too late.
And that we are not too small or too flawed to be healed by you and through each other and made whole.
Help us to love one another,
To nurture each other’s unfolding,
To encourage each other’s growth,
And understand each other’s fears.
Help us to know that we are not alone,
That we are loved and lovable.
…..
You are loved & lovable. I love you!
Thanks for reading <3
:)
Aliya
