I’ve been thinking about attachments to people, ideas, ideas of people, ideas of ourselves, feelings, perspectives, the way we want to move through the world and the way we believe others might want to move through the world as well.
The anecdote: put down your sword
Funny, I keep pulling sword cards out of my tarot deck. Anyone else feeling the urge to reach for a sword lately? Me too…. so naturally I started googling what the heck is going on in the stars.
Tomorrow, on February 6th, Saturn forms a quintile (not totally sure what that means) with Uranus. I know Uranus is the planet of anarchy, rebellion, and innovation. Saturn is the planet of structure and responsibility— think capricorn energy. The interactions of these planets remind me of the way an arrow is pulled back before it’s shot forward. You are the arrow. If life is pulling you back or tensing at the edges or creating some resistance, trust that this is working in your favor to shoot you forward. As you embark on your evolution and balance between the old and the new, remember to keep your feet on the ground and practice being calm and steady in the face of change. In other words, put down your sword, open your heart, speak your truth, and remember that you do not need anyone’s permission to live fully in your authenticity.
With spirituality as a guidepost for most of my practices, it is soooooooooooooooooooo tempting to try to interact with the world of being like nope all is well everything is for my healing, kumbaya. Can you hear the birds singing in the distance?
I am learning and really practicing integrating the more human and icky sticky parts of allowing myself to have feelings, really processing and feeling those feelings, speaking my truth to the people I love, and being a supportive listener and space holder when my loved ones feel safe enough to share their feelings with me.
Then there’s the whole thing about boundaries. What an absolute doozy. We are meant to create, navigate, and cultivate healthy boundaries with the people around us. What about for the people that were never modeled healthy boundaries and still don’t really know what we’re doing? What about the people with trust issues? Hello, hi to my people who are out here trying and messing up and trying again— I’m with you & I’m proud of us— this stuff isn’t easy. Trusting myself with boundaries, speaking my truth, and holding space for my loved ones has been, hmmmm, challenging, painful, liberating, and everything in between.
Sometimes I’m guilty of stacking boundaries brick by brick and laying on mortar nice and thick until I, woops, have created walls to surround myself and keep myself safe from…….. getting hurt?…. being vulnerable?….. experiencing…. connection?
It’s easy to feel all free love, spreading kindness and peace, until oop, I feel an attachment. The instinct I feel, from years of studying Zen Buddhism and yoga, is that desire causes suffering so I start to back away when I feel any sort of attachment, to create more distance and more space to return to mental clarity and within the comfort of my home in my room with my cat Luna meditating on the floor.
A few things I’m working on integrating into my daily practice: noticing, feeling, staying, opening, and utilizing gentle discerning.
Noticing when I’m feeling an attachment and what it feels like in my body.
Staying open to connection even and especially when I feel like I want to run away and hide in said zen den with my sweet Luna girl.
Utilizing a gentle discernment to decide what is a full body yes and allowing whatever is not a full body yes to be a confident no & giving myself grace when the answers shift back and forth as I lovingly root deeper into the person I am becoming, who is in constant evolution.
In the last few attachment entanglements I’ve experienced that have scared the absolute life out of me, it’s like someone has pressed a danger button in my body that signals to my nervous system that I should evacuate the situation. There are certainly situations where it makes sense to take those cues at face value (& it is extremely helpful working with a therapist on deciphering these #therapyishot).
I know that sometimes these alarm systems are hard wired and act up at inappropriate times. For example, when I am taking a shower and the steam tells my fire alarm that there is a fire, when in fact, there is not a fire, and now I’ve woken up my sweet roommate at the crack of dawn on a day where she really doesn’t need to be up that early and my cat is singing a confused kitty opera song. (shoutout to coley from sunday love letters// luna’s second mom, love you coley!)
All this is to say, if you’re still figuring it out, you’re not alone. In fact, you’re in good company.
I have been noticing within myself that when I perceive a conflict with someone my body has a fear of abandonment and neglect. I’ve been working on releasing those emotions, deepening my connection with myself, and rewiring mantras of safety. So that I can show up and hold space and not make things about myself when it’s my turn to hear someone out, and so that I can feel confident and validated in my feelings when I speak my truth to someone I care about.
It’s a worthwhile practice of loving that way- without attachment. And like all things, it starts with ourselves. As much as I have been rooting into a consistency practice lately, I really do feel like the most consistent thing you can do is ride the waves with grace, gentleness, and forgiveness. Of course you are not going to show up cheery every day of the month. The moon gets full and sometimes it makes us sad. Things become a lot and we can get tired and overwhelmed. We get our feelings hurt, we are human, this is normal.
The waves are the consistent part. So grab your surfboard and enjoy the ride. Coming from an amateur surfer, not every ride will be smooth, but there’s always that sense of accomplishment getting out of the water. That you went for it even if you were afraid, even if you didn’t know what was going to happen, and that you survived! *flashback to accidentally surfing at Privates beach in Santa Cruz during King tide.
It takes mindfulness, effort and at the same time an ease and acceptance to feel gratitude for the way things are and not get sucked into a vortex of hurt and martyrdom. And it takes mindfulness, effort and an ease and acceptance to notice when the hurt parts appear, and not run from them, just notice them, sit with them, release them, and do what you need to do to rewire your sweet and beautiful brain to know that it is safe to be in connection, it is safe to have uncomfortable feelings, it’s safe to mess up, it’s safe to practice having boundaries, and it’s safe to be you- flawed and fabulous, gorgeously human!
Loving with an open heart means committing to curiosity as a way of being. Being curious as to the ways we can keep projections at bay, remembering that everyone is god in drag (Ram Dass & cole from sunday love letter’s constant reminder to me) and you are always walking through a house of mirrors, showing you where you still have room to unblock, expand, and take aligned action to reunite with your whole worthy and authentic self.
Be curious about who people are becoming and the little stories that add up to create the magnificent human in front of you. The kindest people are not born that way, they are built through a serious of situations where they choose whether or not they will continue to be tender and stay open and be loving. Often times, it’s these people who have faced some of the most intense and heart wrenching things.
People are complex and when we feel safe to do so, our stories unfold like a delicately knitted hat from a loved one with love in every stitch that weave together seamlessly like braided sweetgrass. (A huge thank you to Sam, my neighbor and fellow healer who knitted me the most incredible beanie for christmas. It keeps my head so warm because it has so much love in it.)
People are a gift, not a given. Let that sink in. Let that inspire you to keep challenging pre-conceived notions of capacity. Let that burst your heart wide open and exponentiate the vastness of your expansive ability and practice of having a heart that lets love flow freely, in and out. The universe doesn’t close a door without opening a window.
So here I am navigating the intellect and integration dance of healing. Won’t you join me?
All my love,
Aliya from Mindful Nomads
So beautifully woven, I resonate with this so deeply right now. Thank you for expressing this. Just wow